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Sarah V

Sarah Knows Nothing About Movies- Jurassic Park Comment-along

Before I left Britain’s soggy, slightly racist shores to come here to Korea, I spent a couple of nights rewatching some of the Jurassic Park movies. Everyone loves the first one, and I couldn’t remember much of any others so I thought (for some reason) that I would write down my thoughts as notes on my phone as I watched. I can’t remember clearly, but I feel like I may have been drinking at the time of writing these. Maybe. So please, if you want one of the great creature-feature monster epic movies to probably be ruined, please read on (obviously spoilers if you don’t get that from this there’s no hope). Let’s get it:




· Ahh the mandatory person of colour dying in the first scene. Great.

· I forgot Richard Attenborough attempts to be Scottish in this.

· OK I wasn't paying attention when they introduced his character but who is Jeff Goldblum in this again? Not complaining about his presence (I would never), just wondering.

· Also for years I thought it was 'playing attention' because I'm a special flower.

· Sidebar: in a couple of these movies they have big ass, chompy chompy sea fuckers (technical term). Now I can juuuuust about get my head around the batshit idea of recreating land dinosaurs in a park enclosure that you can, in theory, control, but you can't control THE SEA RICHARD. THE FUCKING SEA. Ugh.

· I love Laura Dern's hair. It currently looks damn fine for a paleobotanist. Not that they don't typically have great hair as a profession. I'm sure they do. I'm sorry.

· Is that Jonathan Price?

· Computers used to be so big. RIP.

· ALL THE DINOSAURS IN THE PARK ARE ENGINEERED TO BE FEMALE. THIS FILM IS SECRETELY UBER FEMINIST. WHICH IS ONE OF THE SIX THOUSAND REASONS THE REBOOT WAS SO DUMB. dm for more info x

· Yes. Breed velociraptors. How can this go wrong?

· That poor cow. It never did nothing.

· This film is strong on the khaki mid-length short.

· Update: cow gawn.

· Richard Attenborough just started talking about the importance of the narrative of condors but I wasn't listening and thought he said condoms. Which have a damn important narrative too.

· They've been served some gorgeous looking CHILEAN SEA BASS and they're so busy debating ethics they AREN'T EATING IT. FFS so many movies where people don't eat tasty shit.

· I want sea bass now. And I've never even had it.

· Ahhhh the annoying Hollywood American children. Suuuuch bellends. Particularly the boy #feminism.

· Oh hey Samuel L.

· "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs."

- "Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the Earth."

· YAAAASSSS LINE OF THE FIIIIILLLLLMM. And another reason this film subtlely hates the patriarchy. Also, in the entire original trilogy no woman is killed by a dinosaur (spoiler alert). Another thing that contributes to why the reboot was so annoying.

· On the subject of annoying- that little boy Timmy is a massive douche.

· "Hey Ricky A, there's a fuck off storm a-comin, maybe we like, take the random people you've thrown into the dino pit (including YOUR GRANDCHILDREN) off the tour like right now"

· "Awh really?"

· ....Yes. You dick.

· Ohh the fat traitor guy has just set the security systems to go off at some point during this storm. Dw I'm sure it'll be fine.

· Rain's comin down hard and it's very suddenly night time. Still all fine.

· "The raptor fences aren't out are they?"

· No and they will DEFINITELY remain that way.

· Oooh fat traitor guy just readjusted a sign to point the wrong way. Absolutely the worst thing he's done morally so far.

· Why have the jeeps all stopped??

· Ah shit. The cups of water are rippling.

· Ah fuck.

· "Where's the goat?" Cue goat flesh being thrown at the windscreen.

· I don't think things are fine anymore.

· Aaaaaaaaand T Rex.

· DON'T GET OUT OF THE JEEP AND HIDE IN A TOILET! LITERALLY WHEN HAS THAT EVER BEEN A GOOD IDEA?

· "Its vision is based on movement"

· ....gets out a flashlight and waves it around.

· Smooth.

· Hey Timmy you smart arse I thought you knew shit about dinos well NOW'S THE TIME TO SHINE BUTTMUNCH. OH WAIT.

· Apparently there are whole films that cost less than the effect of the T-rex's pupil dilating in the beam of light.

· OMG Jeff Goldblum is fit in the rain.

· Oop. Toilet death. Guess he was DYING for a piss. Hahaha.

· No but seriously he didn't really deserve that.

· Where's the shitty boy kid gone?

· Heyyy Laura Dern's back in the lab somehow! And her hair's still lovely!

· Oh dear, fat traitor guy has just crashed off road. Everything's fine though.

· Fallen down a mudslide waterfall thing and lost his glasses. All still 10/10 though.

· Oop. Squeaky reptile things running across the screen. Pretty confident this will end well for all involved.

· Ooh he's face to face with one! What a wonderful opportunity for a magical, once in a lifetime interaction with creatures from a world we thought we'd lost!

· Woops, it killed him. Ah well.

· "I'm not going to leave you like he did" he says, leaving her like that guy did.

· Ah no, Timmy's OK.

· Panic tree climbing! Is there any other kind?

· Laura Dern hair update: slightly damp but still beautifully tussled.

· AH FUCK WE GOT DEM RIPPLES AGAIN.

· If the T-Rex is a female lady girl, as we know from earlier she is, shouldn't she be a T-Regina?

· I hear she does car commercials. In Japan.

· Also Laura Dern just screaming "SHIT" over and over again is me dealing with most minor inconveniences.

· Now she's back at HQ her hair is totally perfect again.

· Oh deary me, dinosaur eggs. So they're breeding even though they're all girls? Lesbian dinosaurs? Intersex, non-binary genderfuck dinosaurs? Who only eat men? This park is becoming more appealing...

· Ahhh the shot where Jeff Goldblum does THAT pose in THAT shirt.

· Ahhh.

· "The only way to reset this mess is to shut down the security systems so they all come back online OK."

· So.... You're going to try turning it off and on again? Yup. Can't possibly see any issues with this.

· Also thank God those raptors are all still safely behind lots of security fencing. That they haven't been testing themselves for weak spots. Phew.

· "Meatosaurus." This girl is at my level of scientific knowledge.

· Laura Dern hair update: more of it has fallen out of the messy bun she's got going but it's still better than my hair looks 90% of the time.

· Welp, looks like the raptors have gotten out. Dw I'm sure they'll just, like, chill.

· The kids and Sam Neil are climbing a high voltage fence, and Laura Dern is about to turn the power back on. Again I can't see any issues here.

· God's sake Timmy jump you nob.

· OH NO THERE'S A RAPTOR AND I DON'T THINK SHE'S HERE TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.

· OH NO MR ARNOLD'S ARM..

· OH NO!

· Laura Dern's hair is no longer in a bun I repeat no longer in a bun.

· To the tune of 'Spider in the Bath'* Raptors in the kitchen. Raptors in the Kitchen. Lots of teethy lots of clawsy Raptors in the Kitchen.

· They just made that raptor smirk. That's one hell of a special effects team.

· OH THANK GOD THAT PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED ENTHUSIASM THE YOUNG GIRL HAS FOR COMPUTING HAS TURNED OUT TO BE USEFUL.

· More than I can say for you Timmy. "That's a velociraptor." Gee thanks.

· Yes if in doubt just kick the raptor in the bloody face.

· Surprise T-Regina!

· How many movies can use that as their final plot point?

· Laura Dern's end of film hair: like somehow the best it's looked? After all that?

· Wistful parting shot of birds flying over the ocean to remind you it's all the birds' fault. Or something.

· Dinosaurs. Fuck yeah.

· Or rather, fuck no.

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