If you’ve met me for a time period longer than five minutes, you’ll know I enjoy the more OTT elements of this world; sequins; drag; vampires; k-pop; the music of Queen, you name it. And among this glittery list of fabulousity, there is little more sparkly and ridiculous than the Eurovision Song Contest. Europe’s (plus Israel and Australia, I can explain but I’m not going to) annual night of camp politics dressed up and displayed to the world through the medium of Europop is a gem that I love so much I actually wrote my Master’s dissertation on it in 2017. ‘The Eurovision Song Contest and Intercultural Dialogue’ at Goldsmiths for an Arts Administration and Cultural Policy MA, thanks for asking (*dabs*). It lasts for hours, it’s always exceptionally strange, and features uniquely European relationships, expressions and fashions that you can’t really find anywhere else in the world (google ‘Eurovision Ukraine 2007’ if you don’t believe me).
This unique European oddness is one of the most beloved parts of the contest, so I was…hesitant at best when I heard that Will Ferrell was making a Eurovision film. Americans just aren’t European. They don’t get the nuances, the campness, the naffness of our world. It’s ours (and yes I am European WHATEVER YOU THINK BORIS). But hey, you can’t knock it til you’ve tried it, and apparently Ferrell does have a deep love for the contest from experiencing it with his Swedish wife. And Mark Kermode (my go-to film critic) quite enjoyed it. So in another free evening after school, I lit some candles (sorry I’m basic), turned off the lights and watched Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga. Below is my stream of consciousness as I experienced Americans (and Rachel McAdams aka Regina George) attempting to make a Eurovision movie…
· OK this film is in association with the EBU (who created, and also run, Eurovision)...I have high hopes.
· BEARDED, BE-JUMPERED PIERS BROSNAN.
· Obligatory dead mum. Why always a dead mum?
· WATERLOO BY ABBA 2 MINUTES IN. I APPROVE.
· Now we have present day Will Ferrell and an (obviously miming) Regina George.
· I already love their Euro parody song. Obviously.
· I'm just going to take a guess and say this isn't an accurate portrayal of modern Iceland.
But then again I always say that.
· Will Ferrell is wearing an excellent orange, green and white striped coat.
· Pirouetting whales FTW.
· IS THAT ICELANDIC BILL MURRAY?!?! (I looked at the cast list- apparently it isn’t).
· 'Ya Ya Ding Dong'- why Europop is brilliant in 4 non-words.
· Just checked, Iceland has never won Eurovision. I don't think that's relevant but I needed to know.
· Issss that Demi Lovato pretending to be Icelandic? (I later find out-yes!)
· I feel like I'll be asking a lot of 'is that' questions.
· That parody song I mentioned? Just the fantasy of the two main characters.
· NGL so far my sides aren't splitting.
· There is a presenter at the Icelandic Song Contest that looks like Taylor Swift. But I guess all generic skinny Nordic women probably do.
(Would be well awkward if it was her)
· As the Icelandic Song Contest gets underway, it's clear we'll be watching a lot of people miming. WHICH IS NOT THE EUROVISION WAY. Mostly...
· Piers Brosnan's Icelandic accent is very....Welsh.
· The plot has progressed: Fire Saga (the name of the act Will Ferrell and Regina George have together) performed after the main hopeful to win for Iceland, and they had a massive stage mishap where Ferrell fell out of his angel wings.
· I thought maybe they would win because everyone found it funny, but then a ship hosting a party for all the entrants blew up and Fire Saga weren't on it so now they are the entries by default.
· I hope you're following.
· Oop, now we're in Edinburgh.
· Oh I love Edinburgh.
· A busker just sang at a piano and I strongly suspect he is the Netherlands' winner from 2019.
· Googling it I don't think it is, but I imagine it's someone else from the contest I don't recognise. For shame.
· Dan Stevens as a homoerotic Russian ringleader singing 'Lion of Love'. I have a friend I know who specifically would enjoy this (Hi Carmela).
· IT'S WEIRD TOOTH GUY FROM FLEABAG!
· OK, the song does have the accurate number of performers (maximum 6). Brownie points.
· Choreographer to Regina George: "Are your feet sad?"
· She also compliments her by calling her a 'big piece of rice'. More people should do that.
· Maybe this would have been more fun with wine.
But I have no wine.
Probably for the best, it's Tuesday.
· The producer of their track is mentioned as having been in a kpop group. Nice try, name dropping another niche but fabulous music field.
· REGINA GEORGE IS WEARING A LARGE-SEQUINNED RAINBOW MINIDRESS. BEST THING IN THE MOVIE SO FAR.
· There was a joke about everyone hating the UK. It was pretty much the sentence I just wrote. Not really inspiring.
· Imma say it: the Russian, Icelandic and briefly Greek accents here sound...similar.
· A song-a-long with real participants....to Cher's seminal 'Believe'??? YES PLZ.
· WAS THAT JESSE MATADOR??
· OH IT'S A MASH UP.
· ALEXANDER RYBAK AND HIS VIOLIN.
· A LOT IS (FINALLY) HAPPENING.
· CONCHITA SINGING CELINE!!!!!!!!!!
· CONCHITA SANG CELINE!!!!
· That was by far the best part so far. I hope we only go up from here.
· But how can we top Conchita singing Celine?
· Russian Dan Stevens looks hella like George Michael.
· There is still over an hour of this left and I worry I won't get much more Conchita.
· They are having a half comic arguement that I'm not laughing at. But their backdrop is very colourful.
· Will Ferrell's character met some Americans and had an exchange about Starbucks. I can't tell if it was meant to be at the expense of Americans. Is it supposed to be funny that Ferrell is really an American actor?
· Demi Lovato's fiery ghost has appeared and she sounds Jamaican.
· Nice 'angry sweater' joke there.
· Aaah the Eurovision tune! How I have missed you.
· And ACTUAL GRAHAM NORTON.
· Wait, this final is taking place in Edinburgh but the presenters are generically European people? That maketh no sense.
· A band who are clearly meant to reference Lordi. And honestly what I'm hearing of the song is great.
· At least there is SOME Graham sass.
· The Greek entry is genuinely brilliant.
· Sweden's entry is called 'Johnny John John' and it's cringey hip hop. This is more like it.
· I want more songs and less Americans acting.
In this film as in life.
· Regina George should have worn her Eurovision outfit to the Spring Fling.
· Human hamster wheel reference.
· Lord I love her shoes.
· Her scarf caught in the hamster wheel and now it's freewheeling into the crowd dragging her behind it.
· Graham: "We're hearing voices, so they're not dead." Something I feel he would actually say.
· The audience was dead silent when Fire Saga finished, and then clapped for them like a minute later when they'd gone? ...Perque?
· OK, shamefully I don't watch the semi-finals, but I'm not sure the full voting process actually happens at this stage. I think they just announce who is in the final.
· Also the UK and in Spain should not be in a semi-final, they both get an automatic pass to the final. Do the research guys, I did.
· I like Dan Stevens' jacket in this scene. Black with jewels around the shoulders.
· The Icelandic finance minister just tried to kill Will Ferrell but then the elves killed the minister.
Yes you read that right.
· "I'll just leave the knife here in case you need to do more murders." Will Ferrell to some elves.
· It's the final and again the presenters still aren't people from Scotland. Like the lady presenter's dress though.
· Lion of Love again. The dancing adds a lot.
· Lol when Dan Stevens insists it's a fact that they are no gays in Russia.
· So the key emotional moment is when Ferrell realises he loves Regina George, so he'll let her sing a song she's written (a boring ballad) instead of the camp fun they were originally going to do.
· And he claims he loves Eurovision. Pfft.
· There'd better be more Conchita/Celine/ABBA before this ends.
· They're singing an emotional ballad about how great their Icelandic hometown is when they're both North American actors who spoke in English throughout the entire film.
· Lol now there's Sigur Ros's 'Hoppipolla' playing because that's the only famous Icelandic pop song not by Bjork.
· So...the Russian guy is gay then? Or no?
· So now Regina's Mum and Ferrell's Dad are married. OK.
· And we finish with Ya Ya Ding Dong. Wish we'd had more of that tbh.
· Googled it, it's apparently spelled "Jaja Dingdong". My bad.
· The film is finished now.
Verdict
Hmm. Well. Hmm. I don’t think I really enjoyed that (see the wild enthusiasm of my last note). I had two main issues: firstly that the film just didn’t understand, or spend enough time on, the wonderful campness that is Eurovision performances. Every time there was a direct reference or a song, my excitement shot up 300% because those parts were fun. Building this story around an Icelandic couple and having it be about them with a backdrop of Eurovision? Why? Make it about some generic TV show if you’re not going to revel in the specificity of the ESC. As inferred above, more Conchita, more Celine, less weird Icelandic stuff.
Secondly, and disappointingly, I didn’t find it very funny. I like Ferrell, and Rachel McAdams is Regina god damn George! But, considering I know they can both do it, and jeez the material is there with the setting, the comedy didn’t in any way go far enough. It could have been more satirical (think of how many more political pot shots could have been taken) or full on surreal (again google ‘Eurovision Ukraine 2007’ if you didn’t before to see what the show can offer here) but it was neither. There were moments, often involving Dan Stevens (he is having the appropriate amount of fun here) that were good, but not enough for me. I fully understand that this opinion may well come from me being a card-carrying ESC nerd who has genuinely spent weeks studying the contest in detail, but hey, if I can do my homework, so can these guys. Eurovision is wonderful, weird, contentious and sparkly. This film…..was not. For me at least.
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